By Stephen Russell-Lacy.
Difficult people include those who think they are right all the time and always want to have the last word. Others are nosey and are quick to gossip or invade our privacy leaving us feeling uncomfortable. There are some who want to provoke an emotional reaction in us and so wind us up until we over-react in some way. Some manage to subtly manoeuvre us into a tight corner from which is difficult to escape from doing what they want.
I would suggest it is possible to get on better with most difficult people as long as their conduct is not extreme. I’m going to explore 4 suggestions on how to do this:
- Respect them for their strengths
- Practise empathy
- Correct any unreasonable thinking
- Remember our own faults
Respecting difficult people
Shirley was really getting fed up with her new next-door neighbour who played his music loudly most nights after coming home from work. Next time she tackled the guy, she wasn’t sure she could trust herself not to shout and lose her temper.
Choosing the right words matters. “You can disagree without being disagreeable.” (Zig Ziglar)
When you complain, it is important to keep the matter in proportion, neither overdoing things, nor being too timid. Were she to resort to insults and hostility, the chances are the door would be slammed in her face.
When complaining or criticising someone, psychologists advise us to respect the individual. To focus on the behaviour that needs changing rather than the person. Don’t say ‘You are causing me grief’ but say ‘I feel the noise is causing me grief.’ Condescension, disdain, or scorn shown to the person just creates bad feeling.
If the individual is respected with a bit of humour, and due credit is given to the possibility of their sympathy for your difficulty, it is vastly more likely that the criticism will be understood, and taken seriously.
And it is easier to find the patience to behave like this if we feel respect for the person. Even difficult people have some good points if we take the trouble to discover them.
Empathising with difficult people
Bill’s teenage step sister was often blowing her top and getting herself worked up. At times it drove him mad. He wanted to shout at her.
Bill told his girlfriend he was thinking of moving out from the family home – even though he couldn’t afford to. ‘But do you really know her? What has she been through?’ he was asked. ‘What has been her past?’ Bill had to admit he didn’t know much at all. The girl had joined the family only the previous year from abroad.
It helps to understand why difficult people have got to where they are now. Seeing things from their perspective. We can then more easily make allowance for those who have been through the mill. Is the person under time pressures, having to face current troubles, suffering unmet needs, still dealing with past trauma? Are they hurting even if their suffering arises from their own mistakes and blunders? Having empathy helps with our tolerance and patience. And this can indirectly affect the relationship.
Thinking more reasonably
Jack’s friend seemed to have a knack of getting him to do things he didn’t really want to do. Setting up tables at the village hall, lending him his mower, visiting a mutual acquaintance in hospital, looking after his pet cat.
Jack was starting to feel uncomfortable whenever he met this friend. The guy might expect something else from him. Nothing asked was an imposition in itself, but other people could see a pattern emerging.
Jack was a conscientious sort of person. Clearly his friend was an expert at latching on to Jack’s feeling of social obligation. Jack tended to feel uneasy if he felt anyone’s disapproved of his behaviour in any minor way.
When we feel put upon, we might reflect on the limits to our responsibility. What are the proper priorities for our time? Yes, to be helpful when we can. But also, to do our own work, meet family duties, honour other commitments.
The over-conscientious person like Jack tends to have a somewhat mistaken conscience. He or she feels guilt where in some things no guilt need be felt.
Recognising one’s own faults
Zoe was an experienced software programmer and systems manager. Her job was to supervise a small information technology team.
Unfortunately, there was one difficult member of the group. He was skilful in various aspects of the work, but not all. It’s the old story: we find it hard to appreciate the value of what we don’t know, because we don’t know about it. Without some humility we are not open enough to learning there might be something we don’t know. Unfortunately, this fellow seemed to have an inflated idea of his own worth and behaved as if he were right all the time and so deserved to have the last say.
Zoe had to get projects done well. Her professional challenge was to do along-side someone who wouldn’t take correction or criticism. She knew he would be difficult to replace.
On reflection, Zoe was obliged to reluctantly acknowledge that she herself had some faults.
She came to realise that it is easier to be patient in talking with a frustrating individual if you can recognise your own failings. She saw that that, like him, she was a flawed work in progress.
Summary
I’ve tried to show that we although we cannot change someone, we can influence the way they speak and act in specific situations. And in this way give us less of a headache. We do this by:
- Respecting them for their strengths
- Practising empathy
- Correcting any unreasonable thinking in ourselves
- Recalling to mind our own faults
Copyright 2020 Stephen Russell-Lacy
Author of Heart, Head & Hands Swedenborg’s perspective on emotional problems
