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Being stuck at home during the pandemic, and not meeting folk, we can get to feel a bit isolated – maybe feeling a little lonely. Are you missing those people you normally see at the places you usually go to – for instance a friend’s house, the sports club, work, the pub. When we have to go without something, then perhaps we value it a bit more. Does this include the company of everyone we know? What about those difficult people who cause us problems. Who we have not bothered to get to know better.
All of us are capable at times of being difficult; some more than others. I guess I am no exception. I suspect not everybody shares my sense of humour. My family groan when I make a casual quip that, apparently, only I find amusing, or complain if I use the TV remote for my choice of comedy show. I can be difficult over what food I will eat. But I guess you are thinking some people you know are more trying even than these examples. Harder to get on with because of the way they communicate.
Difficult people trigger tension in us and then misunderstanding more easily arises. We remember the odd occasion when this led to a sharp word, an unnecessary argument or even a full-blown row. Yes, such individuals can feel like a real pain. At times they get on our nerves, or irritate us, or seem to make us feel depressed. Even some relatives can be like this on occasions.
The temptation is to try to avoid them albeit in a socially acceptable way or escape from their company as soon as possible. The trouble is, if we were to do this with everyone who might be difficult, then we could easily have no one to talk to. In addition, unresolved issues with others can result in brooding resentment which gets us nowhere. When we nurse a grudge, this will inwardly eat away at any positive feelings.
When the pandemic lock down is over, and you are released back into the world you used to know, you might want to learn to better cope with such people. One way of doing this is to better understand what it is about them that is a problem. And how we get sucked into uncomfortable experiences with them. Then perhaps we can hope to get the relationship on to a better footing.
So, what exactly is it about difficult people that we find a problem?
Actually, there are many reasons why they can cause us problems. A neighbour or workmate who is at times rude, high-handed, over-critical. Or the sort of person who is constantly complaining about one thing or another or who makes a lot of demands on our time, or who just simply happens to have an unpleasant body odour. I must admit I tend to steer clear of anyone who reeks of tobacco.
But there are less obvious types of difficult people that we come across. Some individuals think they are right all the time and always wants to have the last word. Others are nosey and are quick to gossip or invade our privacy leaving us feeling uncomfortable. There are some who want to provoke an emotional reaction in us and so wind us up until we over-react in some way. Some manage to subtly manoeuvre us into a tight corner from which is difficult to escape from doing what they want.
I would suggest it is nevertheless possible to get on better with most difficult people as long as their conduct is not extreme. In this podcast I’m going to explore 4 suggestions on how to do this:
- Respect them for their strengths
- Practise empathy
- Correct any unreasonable thinking
- Remember our own faults
Difficult people like the unreliable neighbour
Shirley was really getting fed up with her new next-door neighbour who played his music loudly most nights after coming home from work. A few times she had called round to ask him to turn the volume down, which was done each time with a promise to continue to keep the music quiet, but the level of loudness would resume the next night. She soon realised she was dealing with someone who she couldn’t trust to keep his word.
The noise level probably wasn’t bad enough to make a complaint to the local authority. However, the adjoining walls of their flats were not sound-proofed. And she was seriously wondering about moving home. Alternatively, she would have to somehow sort the issue out herself. But next time she tackled the guy, she wasn’t sure she could trust herself not to shout and lose her temper.
When you criticise, it is important to keep the matter in proportion, neither overdoing things, nor being too timid. If she were to come over as arrogant and loud, she probably wouldn’t be listened to properly. And were she to resort to insults and hostility, the chances are the door would be slammed in her face.
When you criticise them, difficult people, with thin skins, tend to see this as a personal attack. They get shirty, defensive or bite your head off. You probably would think twice before taking the risk of saying what you really think to them. Yet keeping quiet means not doing anything about any interpersonal problem.
Winston Churchill once said “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”
So, what’s the best way to criticise someone? The common advice psychologists give is respect the individual, and focus the criticism on the behaviour that needs changing – the difficulty in what people actually do or actually say. This means distinguishing between the person and their actions.
They recommend we criticise in a precise way. It is important to explain what it is that the other person is doing that is a problem for you and how you feel about it. Don’t say ‘You are causing me grief’ but say ‘I feel the noise is causing me grief.’ If the individual is respected with a bit of humour, and due credit is given to the possibility of their sympathy for your difficulty, it is vastly more likely that the criticism will be understood, and taken seriously.
Having respect for those difficult people who challenge us with their tiresome conduct sounds much easier said than done. Yet it is surely true that difficulties cannot be constructively addressed where there is disrespect. Condescension, disdain, or scorn shown to the person just creates bad feeling.
Choosing the right words matters. “You can disagree without being disagreeable.” (Zig Ziglar)
The lack of respect for the individual becomes the issue rather than the behaviour causing the difficulty in the first place.
I would say that having genuine respect for someone makes it easier in making our criticism with patience. Not making things worse by personal animosity.
Shirley had the disadvantage of not knowing the neighbour she wanted to criticize. It is easier to point out a fault if you have an ongoing friendly relationship with the person causing you difficulty. You have a greater chance of counting on their sympathy or embarrassment. However, she could try to get into rapport with him before voicing her issue.
When a relationship has already turned sour, then it may need a lot more work to make things better. Waiting before the right time and place arrive to make get a hearing for your point. Perhaps if she invited him into her own house when somebody else was also present, when his music was on, then her neighbour could more easily appreciate the nuisance he was causing.
Also, it is easier to have a calmer attitude to someone if you can respect them for their good points. Another reason for better getting to know the person posing you a difficulty.
Shirley made an effort to look for the positives. She spoke to one or two people who knew something about her noisy neighbour and found out his job meant he had to work hard for long hours. He had been helpful with someone whose car was playing up. She still had no direct first-hand experience of the guy herself. But just knowing these few things about him, helped her to find the calmness of mind she needed to re-assert her complaint to him with respect.
Freed of the desire to shout at him, she found the patience to persuade him to use headphones. She even lent him some to encourage him to buy his own.
So, I would say that people can be helped to be less difficult if we respect them for their strengths. What about empathy. How does this help?
Difficult people like the over-emotional sister
Bill’s teenage step sister was often blowing her top and getting herself worked up. He just didn’t know how to handle her. At times it drove him mad. He wanted to shout at her. But of course, that just made her worse. Getting away from her emotionality wasn’t easy as the family lived in a small house. When he disagreed with what she said, she would get angry or panicky.
His father just assumed the girl’s nature and age caused her frequent upsets. However, Bill wondered whether she was simply using strong expression of feeling to manipulate others so she could get what she wanted – attention, sympathy, or her own way in things. If so, perhaps she did not even realise this herself.
Bill told his girlfriend he was thinking of moving out from the family home – even though he couldn’t afford to. ‘But do you really know her? What has she been through?’ he was asked. ‘What has been past?’
Bill had to admit he didn’t know much at all. The girl had joined the family only the previous year. She had been living in another part of the country with her own mother who had been divorced from Bill’s father. Had her mother worked full-time? Had other kids bullied her at school? How had her mother and her mother’s new partner treated her?
It helps to understand why difficult people have got to where they are now. Seeing things from their perspective. We can more easily make allowance for those who have been through the mill. Difficult behaviour still should be tackled. But even criminal courts take into account mitigating circumstances before passing sentence.
Having empathy helps us to feel better about someone. Pondering these questions Bill was able to put aside his indignation and start to talk with her with more sensitivity and patience.
He soon sensed that the girl had not had an easy time. She wasn’t ready to describe her past troubles but he came to realise she felt undervalued and had a general feeling of frustration with life. Whenever she got upset, he found it easier to keep his cool. He discovered that trying to reason with her when she was like this, was a waste of time. Later, she was more likely to listen when he challenged some of her more outrageous statements.
Empathy doesn’t always come easily to some of us. But we can gain something of it by looking for and possibly finding some answers. Is the difficult person to be with under time pressures, having to face current troubles, suffering unmet needs, still dealing with past trauma? Are they are hurting even if their suffering arises from their own mistakes and blunders?
We may not be able to change someone’s difficult behaviour but we can change our own feelings about them. Having empathy helps with our tolerance and patience. And this can indirectly affect the relationship.
So far, I have talked about showing respect and having empathy. The third tip is to do with correcting mistaken perceptions. How does this help us deal with difficult people?
Difficult people like the guilt inducing friend
Jack’s friend seemed to have a knack of getting him to do things he didn’t really want to do. Setting up tables at the village hall, lending him his mower, visiting a mutual acquaintance in hospital, looking after his pet cat.
It was a bit of a mystery to Jack how all this happened. He was starting to feel uncomfortable whenever he met this friend. The guy might expect something else from him. Nothing asked was an imposition in itself, but other people could see a pattern emerging.
Jack was a conscientious sort of person. Clearly his friend was an expert at latching on to Jack’s feeling of social obligation. Even at times hooking into his sense of guilt. Of course, guilty feelings are real enough and can make us anxious, but in Jack’s case they weren’t always justified. He tended to feel uneasy if he felt anyone’s disapproved of his behaviour in any minor way.
The friend seemed able to instinctively take advantage of this. However, it would be Jack’s loss if he eventually avoided the guy altogether. For he enjoyed the tennis they played together and conversation they shared in the club. Better to find ways of responding to the stream of demands made without giving in all the time.
Perhaps you have experienced something similar? Someone does a favour for you. But there are hidden strings attached. If you don’t meet their expectation, they imply you are ungrateful. Perhaps a relative who doesn’t mind asking you to buy things for them, tries to make you feel guilty for not being willing to do so. Worst case scenario is someone constantly making you feel bad, criticizing your actions as a way of gaining your submission so they can get their own way.
We could advise Jack to consider what exactly his friend expected. To reflect on the limits to his responsibility. To ask himself what are the proper priorities for his time? Yes, to be helpful when he can. But also, to do his own jobs, meet his own family commitments, satisfy his own needs. How can he cut his own lawn if his friend has his mower? How can help his son with his school work if he is spending the evening at the hospital? How stressed would his own pet feel with a strange animal in the house for two weeks?
And when considering whether to stop meeting up with his friend, perhaps he needs to challenge some of his own assumptions about him.
Spotting the ideas that we carry around in our heads regarding others, is one secret to dealing better with apparently difficult people. For such ideas lead us to jump to conclusions about them. Is he overgeneralising about his friend?
The thought might be something like “Yes I am overgeneralising. After all, although he knows how to make use of people, he is not selfish and he is a good sport.”
Maybe Jack himself is at fault for allowing this aspect of their relationship to get this far. He could ask himself if he could sometimes just say ‘no’? Reveal an honest reason and not allowing his friend to take advantage of his amenable nature.
The over-conscientious person like Jack tends to have a somewhat mistaken conscience. He or she feel guilt where in some things no guilt need be felt. They tend to assume that just as they should always be doing the right thing, so should others. It is as if they believe that ‘Everybody should treat everyone else (especially me) in a fair and considerate manner.’
Actually, don’t we all tend to see other people in a polarised way? Aren’t people all a bit of a mixture. Even those we find difficult to get on having their good points. The examples of Shirley, Bill and Jack, illustrate this. Also, their situations show how we may not be able to directly change a difficult person for the better. But we can sometimes indirectly influence the problematic behaviour by changing the way we respond to them through respect, empathy and correcting unreasonable thinking.
The fourth suggestions is to do with remembering our own faults.
Difficult people like the argumentative subordinate
Zoe worked in computing. An experienced software programmer and systems manager, her job was to supervise a small information technology team.
Unfortunately, there was one difficult member of the group. He was skilful in various aspects of the work, but didn’t know it all. It’s the old story: we find it hard to appreciate what we don’t know, because we don’t know what it is. Without some humility we are not open enough to learning new ways. However, he seemed to have an inflated idea of his own worth in relation to others and behaved as if he were right all the time and so deserved have the last say. It was as if he had learned he could get his own way by wearing others down by argument.
To get projects done properly, Zoe had to get the best out of subordinates. Her challenge was to do this with someone who wouldn’t take correction or criticism. He was full of self-justification. She knew he would be difficult to replace. So how could she find the staying power to persuade someone like this whom she needed to do things differently?
Perhaps you know someone similar. Difficult people who would argue that white is black. Who, when you point out to them what they don’t like to hear, makes excuses or changes the subject. How do you find the energy and forbearance to get through their thick skulls?
Zoe attended a Catholic church. In discussing this issue with her priest, she admitted that a certain pride in herself was part of the problem. She also liked to win arguments. She came to realise that it is easier to tolerate someone’s faults if you can actually recognise similar failings in yourself. Our lenience towards our own blemishes generalises to acceptance of the weakness in difficult people. Are we not all each a flawed work in progress? I would say that when we see this, then it helps us to feel connected with others in the same boat as ourselves. It facilitates a kinder attitude towards our common humanity.
The priest reminded her that Christ’s message was about not being judgmental. She had forgotten how our own judgmental feelings towards people makes their behaviour more difficult. Stop this attitude and we may stop playing their game. If we can be less superior and condemning in the way we treat them, they may become less difficult in the way they relate to us.
In addition, Zoe fastened on the notion of self-judgment. By judging herself harshly, she was also judging this difficult colleague.
Accepting our own faults and the failings in others does not mean agreeing with them. We can still be self-critical without indulging in harsh self-criticism. Likewise, we can be clear about someone else’s faults without getting on our high horse about them. Respect, patience, kindness, and tolerance, for others may sound like a tall order. But it can lead to less unproductive relationships and is a higher calling.
Summary
I’ve tried to show that we although we cannot change someone, we can influence the way they speak and act in specific situations. And in this way give us less of a headache. We do this by:
- Respecting them for their strengths
- Practising empathy
- Correcting any unreasonable thinking in ourselves
- Recalling to mind our own faults
I hope you’ve found this interesting and helpful. I hope to do more on this topic of relationships in future episodes.
Copyright 2020 Stephen Russell-Lacy
Author of Heart, Head & Hands Swedenborg’s perspective on emotional problems
