“Well” the consultant said, “There is no sign of cancer”,
Just like that out of the blue, no one had said any thing.
For scans and tests to someone with a bad chest
Are normal things. No one said “Now Worry”
I am glad now that I did not know, I was spared the
Scary roller coster ride over all those things
I was sure, I had in check and understood.
Now I feel as if I have been given a gift and am lost.
Lost how to start to use this gift of life.
No long vomit filled day’s of chemo or radio therapy.
No hair loss no brave faces of loved ones being upbeat
Being brave for me, Just me knowing I am clear.
Not knowing, I did not pray, now just waves of diffuse gratitude,
And huge thrills of relief plus sharp clarity of all vision.
Every night, everyday, my sight shimmers now with luminance,
Each sunrise and set is vibrant and visceral with intensity.
FIlled as I am with love and relief I realise that Each email
From far off friends, fills with more relief, no bad news to share.
No friends days to spoil, no feelings of sorrow to tinge their days,
With my black and dark woes, No, just joy and delight, OK, survivors guilt,
Does fill me now and then, but being alive trumps that, In aces!
Slowly normality returns down to me. I have whole hours when I don’t think,
I am not going to die, not to be crushed out of light.
Well, not just yet.
Copyright 2013 Edmund Preston